It crept up on me. I didn’t see it coming. Paralyzed. Paralyzed by the fear. Almost breathless. Not able to see beyond the pain of the moment. Unable to see beyond the middle of this. Crushed. Weighed down. Wanting to run, but having no place of refuge. This darkness envelops me. Everywhere I go, there it is. Feeling the isolation swirling all around me. Needing some relief, but finding none in sight.
This is exactly how I felt. I’ve found that the greatest place to live is in complete honesty with myself. I have nothing to hide. What you see is what you get. Not everyday feels like a win. Some days feel as if I’m barely getting by, but even through this, I won’t let it stop me.
I was paralyzed by the moment. I had blinders on what God was doing. All I felt was the pain. I couldn’t see what He had in store for the next day or even the next hour. I was consumed with what wasn’t right in my world. I wasn’t focusing on how God was working. All I knew was that it all seemed hopeless. I was believing a lie that it wouldn’t get better. That nothing would ever change. That this was good as it would ever get. It was a snowball of negative thoughts and emotions. It was spinning out of control, and somehow I needed to get a handle on it.
Tears were my friend. They washed away all the chaos of the moment. They were my safety valve letting off some steam. I knew that God understood each unspoken word behind each tear. Each silent prayer that spoke a language of its own that only God could translate. He was interpreting the beat of my heart. One that longed for Him, yet somehow seemed to question the necessity of this moment.
I battled through the rest of the day. I knew that I wasn’t fighting alone. I had the friend that sticks closer than a brother warring against the negative that came to destroy me. It was okay that I wasn’t okay. It gave me a chance to see God at work up close and personal. I had a front row seat to His faithfulness and love in all that I was facing. I was at peace knowing that somehow it was all going to be okay.
I would love to report that it all instantly fixed itself, but it didn’t. I woke up the next day still dealing with it, but seeing it in a new light. By choosing not to suppress what I was feeling, I wasn’t ignoring the problem. Half of the battle was showing up and not hiding from the problem. Even though this hadn’t been my best day, I knew that it was all going to be okay. Somehow. Someway. I was choosing to see with my spiritual eyes and not my physical eyes. Trusting all of my unknown to The One who knew what my future held. Who knew exactly what was right for me. I chose to rest in this place. I was at home here. I was at peace here. It was all going to be okay.
Dark days will happen. Discouraging times will come our way. We will have trouble in this world, but it’s how we respond that matters. The suffocating lies of the enemy will soon be drowned out by the truth of our Heavenly Father. We might be down for the moment, but we are coming back up for the count. Bruised, bleeding, and weary, but pressing forward into victory. In the end, we are the victor. We are the winner with The Champion on our side. We’re not staying here. We’re just passing through. The finish line is just in sight, and we’ll be rejoicing all along the way.