I am quiet. I am still. I sit in silence. I am completely shut away from any outside noise. I am honest with my feelings and emotions. I pour out my heart to God. I hear no audible voice, but I hear Him in my spirit.
I feel discouraged. I feel hurt. I feel confused. I feel lonely. I feel forgotten. Even through the pain, God’s love pours into the deepest parts of my spirit. He visits the places that no one else sees or knows about, hidden from the rest of the world, but not to Him.
I don’t know if I have what it takes to make it another day. I need to be encouraged, but yet He asks me to pour out what He’s given to me. How am I supposed to do that? He says, “Trust Me.” So I make the choice to give out of what He’s blessed me with, and I experience His love pouring out of me. As I give away what He’s given to me, then He gives me just what I didn’t think I had to give away in the first place. He shows me that He is my encouragement that I was needing and craving from the beginning.
What is my purpose? It’s hard to see that through the lense of the here and now. I struggle to see where all of this is going, but yet there He is. There is my Abba Father standing with me cheering me on. He tells me that my life is filled with purpose. It’s to bring Him glory. Then I fall down beneath the weight of my burdens. He picks me up and carries me. He carries me to a peaceful place and lets me rest there awhile. All He wants is just for me to enjoy His presence. All He wants is for me to be His daughter. No expectations here. Just peace. Shalom. Wholeness. Healing.
My spirit craves nothing more than to be held in the arms of the one whose arms hold all of the universe together. He loves me for the woman that He created, not for anything else. His love overwhelms me in this secret place. I abide here with Him cherishing every moment longing to tarry here just a little while longer, not wanting to rush the beauty of this moment. Here, I am…Complete.
So I sit here awhile longer allowing Him access into the real Natalie. Not the Natalie that everyone sees from the outside, but the spirit and soul of who Natalie really is. I have no fear or shame here. Only the beauty of being who He made me to be and being content here. Each intricate detail of me is exposed, open, and raw before Him, and I am okay with that. He knows me and loves me anyway. I am vulnerable and comfortable in this place. I am Natalie, and I am loved.